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The Jane Report

by Dom and Jane posted Aug 1 2013 5:42AM

Simon Cowell is going to be a dad.  The mother-to-be is a 36-year-old "socialite" by the name of Lauren Silverman.  The funny thing is she's MARRIED.  And her husband, real estate mogul Andrew Silverman, is one of Simon's close friends. Lauren and Andrew have a 7-year-old son.  Sources say Laura is 10 weeks pregnant, and she and Simon have been seeing each other for about a year.  
Although other sources suggest they're not really even together, and this kid could spark a COURT BATTLE between them.  Andrew reportedly filed for divorce from Laura last month . . . but we don't know how long they've been estranged or what caused the split.  So this could be a case of out-and-out home wrecking.  At least one source claims the marriage was basically over a year ago, and that's when Simon and Lauren started hooking up.  But even if Simon waited to move in on Lauren, that doesn't necessarily mean Andrew is happy about it.  Simon's U.K. rep didn't want to get involved when reached by "People" magazine quote, "This is a very sensitive issue and all media enquiries are being dealt with by his U.S. attorney."
Jimmy Kimmel joked last night about Simon getting his friend's wife pregnant.  He says God help the kid if he messes up the lyrics to "Itsy Bitsy Spider".
And of all people, Sharon Osbourne is the one who's defending Simon.  Last year they got in a public feud and she said he suffered from, quote, "small penis syndrome."  Yesterday on "The Talk" she said she thought he'd be a great father, because he's so good with kids.
Jay Leno talked about Lindsay Lohan getting out of rehab this week.  He says it's been reported that she's going to see a sober living coach.  Jay also recommends a staying out of court coach, a don't steal coach, a career coach, and a driving coach.
Lohan's judge ordered her to attend three therapy sessions per week for the next 15 months, in order to make sure she stays clean.  This was actually recommended by the clinic where Lindsay just spent 90 days. They sent a letter to the court saying, quote, "Our entire clinical team is in unanimous agreement that if these sessions are not required by the court and attendance verified once a month to ensure accountability, it is a set up for almost certain failure."  They even put a plan in place for when Lindsay starts whining that she has to travel for "work".  They said the sessions, quote, "should be done face to face while she is in town, and via Skype or phone session if she is out of town."  The letter actually suggested 18 months, but the judge gave Lindsay credit for the three she spent in rehab.
And another mess, Amanda Bynes, is doing remarkably better ... she's stabilized, not hearing voices and it's all because of a cocktail.  Sources familiar with the situation said doctors at the psychiatric hospital where she's being held have given her a combination of meds -- referred to as a cocktail -- to control what appears to be schizophrenia.  Our sources say Amanda responded quickly and dramatically.  We're told in the last 3 days, Amanda has stopped talking to herself and stopped insulting people. To the contrary, we're told she's become downright polite, even saying "please" and "thank you."  She has shown no signs of violence.  The progress is all the more stunning because these cocktails are notoriously difficult to gauge -- getting the right combination of meds with the right doses is something of a crap shoot.  Our sources say the meds take 7 to 10 days to fully kick in, so they're not declaring victory yet, but they're optimistic.  But there's an ironic twist...

Amanda is scheduled to have a court hearing today, where she's trying to get out of the psych hospital.   The fact that she's doing better can actually help her case.  We're told doctors are confident the judge will not let her out for several reasons. First, it's unclear if the meds will work long-term.  Also, it's highly uncertain she'll voluntarily take the drugs.  One more thing. There are reports Amanda's parents may back off the conservatorship if she does better in the psych ward.  Our sources say that is "absolutely untrue."  Amanda's parents feel it's essential for her to get long term care and supervision. 

It's no secret that Gwyneth Paltrow is a fan of diet and exercise trends -- but one that she tried in her 20s came at a high cost: "hallucinating after 10 days."  I've done juice cleanses in the past, and in my twenties I did the Master Cleanse, which left me hallucinating after 10 days," she admitted in a column she penned for the UK's Telegraph. "Be aware: a juice detox can crash your metabolism and lead to future weight gain."  Paltrow instead prefers to stay fit with a regular workout routine -- the Tracy Anderson Method -- and a balanced diet, with the occasional cheat.  "Allow yourself programmed treats -- I often have a glass of red wine in the evening and smoke a cigarette on a Saturday," she advised readers in the Telegraph column. "I love those moments because they are just the right amount of naughty. That balance keeps you vibrant," she concluded. "You have to live your life, after all."
NBC just released a preview clip of Carrie Underwood's new version of "Waiting All Day for Sunday Night" . . . the theme song for "Sunday Night Football".  She's doing it this year to replace Faith Hill.
There's a video making the rounds online of a terrible, foul-mouthed old woman stealing stalks of rhubarb from her neighbor's garden somewhere in Iowa.  Except, she claims the rhubarb is public property, because it's grown under the person's fence, which is next to an alleyway.  We have no idea who was right and who was wrong, but the woman picking the rhubarb is DEFINITELY not the type of neighbor you'd make quick friends with.  And her voice is being compared to something out of a "South Park" episode. She starts by calling the woman she's arguing with a, quote, "Pinocchio nose" . . . which is a racial slur for Jews.  She also claims her lawnmower was stolen by a, quote, "Iranian pig."  We're guessing that's a cop who's not white enough for her.  (CAREFUL)  And when the woman refers to her as "sweetheart," she says, quote, "Don’t call me sweetheart, honey bun.  What are you, [an effing] lezzie?”)  (Warning: The link to the video contains uncensored profanity.)
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Location : Iowa
08/01/2013 5:52AM
The Jane Report
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